Thursday, September 17, 2015

Rides of the Republican Candidates Revisited

Once again, I did some Republican debate watching.  Wine involved of, course.  I felt I had to do just a bit of tweaking to my original Rides of the Republican candidates post.   What mode of transporation would your favorite candidate use:

Once again:

Chris Christie – Tony Soprano’s last trade-in.   Unpleasant air freshener.  Trunkful of unmatched DNA.

Marco Rubio – Luxurious, somewhat understated.  Seatbelt, rear view mirror and sideview mirrors well-used.  Bluetooth enabled.  Small posse in backseat Googling statistics to be distorted for future use.  Pleasing air freshener.   Oral hygiene kits from flying first class in glove compartment.

Dr. Ben Carson – Also luxurious and understated.  Amazing shock absorbers but restrictive speedometer.  Lacking GPS, yet pointed in the direction of home for a good brandy.

Walter Scott, uh, Tim Scott, um, Scott Walker (can never remember his name) – Non-union-built golf cart with steering disabled, heading for a water trap.  Cart decorated with photographs of aborted fetuses.

Donald Trump – Atop a rocket launcher or loose cannon.  Backs of poor people or Mexicans.  Oh hell, he’ll ride anything to get to the top.  Except Carly Fiorina.

Jeb Bush – Same as George W. only a newer model.  Small Mexican flag hidden in glove compartent.

Mike Huckabee – Empty refrigerator box in back yard, decorated as a time machine.  Four drawn-on control buttons inside box dated 29c, 1450s, 1633,  last Sunday 9:00 am.  (I wasn’t going to mention those from the ‘other’ debate, but Rick Santorum and Huckabee are having a little-girl hair pulling fight to see who’s turn it is in the box.)

Ted Cruz – giant lizard Dewback thing from Star Wars.  Saddle bags full of rocks, a couple of ninja throwing stars,  and a leather pouch containing a guide to correct middle eastern pronunciations, an asshole license and Canadian registration.

Rand Paul – Black horse in full jousting gear.  Worried that horse is more interested in grazing.

John Kasich – Late model Oldsmobile.  Those stick-figure family thingies on rear window.  Glove compartment containing tattered maps, ill-fitting driving gloves, partially used bottle of Old Spice.  Remnants of ‘coexist’ and rainbow flag bumper stickers.

Carly Fiorina.  Something sleek and blue.  Burns a great deal of fossil fuels.  Has fins.

And I just have to add one other.  Can’t help it.  Even though he’s moved on to better things.  He will be sorely missed.

Rick Perry – Clampet family truck.  Every time it hits a pothole, shit falls off – pots, pans, granny, luggage, lamps, rakes, and now Rick Perry himself.  Glove compartment filled with dark-rimmed glasses and upside down maps.

I have to admit I only watched 40 minutes.  Next time, I will persevere.