Dear Art Gallery Owner:
Enclosed you will find a portfolio of my recent works.
If my works displease you, please refrain from using the round file and return my not-so-inexpensive portfolio. Enclosed is a postage-paid, self-addressed envelope. This is for the return of my portfolio. It is not to be used to mail items to anyone else at my expense. This envelope is included along with many other items that identify who I am, in the event you wish to contact me.
This letter is printed on my letterhead. This information is also included on my business card. Also, each page of my portfolio contains all pertinent information. You will note that these include my home address, my email address, website and telephone number. You have many ways in which to contact me. You may think my work is crap or just not to your taste. That’s fine. I can’t please everyone. If this is the case, please use the self-addressed, stamped envelope to return my photos.
I am a fiber artist. Yes, I know those words probably repulse you. You represent painters and sculptors, which we all know are fine artists and I just whip up placemats. But these are fine placemats (and coasters) which I think will appeal to your customers.
Oh, so you do represent a fiber artist? Good for you for reaching out to the artistically underprivileged. But, therefore, you do not want another one of us fiber artists. Uh, huh. Sure I understand. I have noted by reviewing your website and/or visiting your gallery that you represent a number of painters, photographers, ceramists, jewelry artists, and sculptors. Would you tell one of these artists that since you already represent one of them that you could not possibly be interested in another? Doubt it.
Regardless, I have great respect for what you do. I know you want to represent artists who will appeal to the greatest number of customers. If not that, you wish to represent artists who will shock the greatest number of customers. Whatever gets the word out there. I know you work long hours and work tirelessly. You have built up a fine business from scratch. Your gallery is beautiful. If I have visited in person, I’m sure that I did not eat an ice cream cone in your gallery, spit on your floor or flip you the bird. Therefore, I do think I deserve a bit, just a teensy bit, of respect myself.
So, now that you realize my work is just not right for your gallery, kindly pick my portfolio out of the trash, use the self-addressed, pre-paid envelope and send it back to me.