Monday, June 20, 2011

Aging. Part 2

So, I finally got my eyes examined.

The chipper eye doctor confirmed that my eyes had not gotten much worse over the last few years. (yay)

I picked out a cool pair of glasses to replace my Granny Clampet pair. I wanted a new, cool pair by the time I visit Portland, OR, next month. I hear that the hot girls all wear glasses there. And these are not bifuckals. Nor are they "progressives." I think that's the new word for bifuckals. The doc. and I didn't think they were necessary. Yet.

But, now, there are foot and ankle issues. Jeez. I've had to see another doc. about the ankle swelling. New meds. Crap. I'm chowing down at the pharmaceutical buffet each morning already. I figure that it can't hurt to find myself some more comfortable shoes. No, not those black lace-ups that go with support hose. Those are next, though.

I've entered the land of Birkenstock. I've entered a land of just plain old friggin' ugly. Comfort and stability are my new goals. Straight-jacket shoes here I come.

And the hubby has asked if my new Birkenstocks come with a tube of armpit-hair fertilizer.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Parenting - Part 1

Children might play contentedly in a room by themselves. Sometimes silently, or quietly humming. I DID say SOMETIMES.

However, once a parent walks into the room, their mouths fall open, and like a nestful of baby robins, they begin to peep all at once.

They may ask questions. Sing a new song they have just written in their heads (maybe still writing in their heads). Make a lengthy proclamation. Or all three in one breath.

We are traveling this weekend, therefore, we are staying in a hotel room with one bathroom. Sometimes our bathroom activities overlap (NO not in a nasty or extremely invasive way). My daughter is taking a bath and humming and I enter the bathroom to dry my hair.

I turn on the hairdryer. The robin peeps.

“Mama, what would flour and milk and water together taste like?

“Mama, was Hermoine wearing a wig during the first Harry Potter movie?

“Mama, does all of that stuff you put in your hair do anything?”

And those are only the questions I could hear over the hair dryer.

Mama sigh.

"Not much."


"Probably not."

I'm not much in the mood for conversation this early. I turn off the dryer, head to the laptop, and record this for posterity.

Monday, June 6, 2011

And What Do You Do?

I know I've bitched about mentioned this before, but I do have panic attacks issues when someone asks me:

And what do you do?

I know they are not asking about my hobbies. I know that they probably don't really give a damn.
But they want to ask me what I do for a living. How I make my dough. What mark I am making on the world.

I would rather have an enema on the spot than answer.

"Well, I call myself an artist but I haven't really sold much lately because of that nasty economic downturn. I used to sell a good deal, but not so much lately. I like to work with fabric and collage. I sell on Etsy. I used to sell on Ebay but that stopped working for me . . . no, I'm not in any galleries. I don't think there are any within 200 miles of where I live. Etsy is an internet shopping site. No, its very easy to use. Never heard of it, huh? No, my quilts are not like my grandmother's. I've kind of gotten away from sewing lately and . . . sure, sure, go get another drink."

What should I say?

"Well, for part of the day, I work as an artist. This time is often interspersed with domestic duties. At 2:30 in the afternoon, I become a dog walker. At 3:00 the bus arrives, and I am a mother for the rest of the day. I play games, do more domestic duties, do some dull computer work."

I could say:

"Well, I'm a homemaker with hobbies, and yes, I can hear the blood congeal in your veins as boredom shuts down your bodily functions."

I've either got to have a great job or just clamp my jaws shut and walk away. I want an alternative!

And I know I'm not the only one out there. Read this.

Really. Read it.

God. I wish I could have written that.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Skeeter Season (a repost)

Once again, the hubby and the kid are covered in itchy red bumps. Mosquitoes. Damn things.

And once again, acquaintances are asking if we are going to be camping out this season.

Hell no. And here's why:

Am I the only person in this world who does not like camping? I know I’m the only person in my (limited) circle of friends who does not.

I do like the type of person that is into camping. Campers are usually a somewhat liberal (I’m talking campers here, not survivalists) and laid back sort of people. These are the type of people with whom I’ll discuss politics, religion, education and the environment. I just don’t want to talk camping with them.

Camping discussions crop up frequently, especially at this time of year. Everyone and their brother is preparing to go out and live in the woods and I get to hear all about site selections, propane stoves, tents, tents to go over top of tents in case of rain, sleeping bags, etc. And I am the lone, quiet, voice that wants to scream “I don’t care!” I am not a snob. I am not an elitist. I just don’t want to pitch a tent, crawl in it, and declare myself on vacation.

I’ve got a nice bed at home. At the end of a very short hallway is a bathroom. I don’t have to put on shoes or take a gun to get there. My hubby is on the far side of our king-size bed and a fan is running so I don’t have to hear his breathing, muttering and flailing. My daughter is in the next room; close enough to know if she is sick, but not close enough to hear her muttering and flailing. I’ve got a lamp and a glass of water by my bed. Also a little fuzzy rug. I know if I get up during the night that the little fuzzy rug will not grab me, disembowel me, and leave me for dead.

And what if I want a late night snack? If I open a bag of Cheetos, everyone in the tent will wake up when they hear that rattle of plastic. The outdoor critters will get a whiff and come to investigate. What if that chicken cooked in a 20-pound iron skillet that I lugged to the campsite was still a hair on the rare side? I just might not make it to the outhouse (or hole in the ground) before that dinner tries mightily to make its way outside of me. I can just see myself soiling my camping jammies upon tripping over a log or sleeping bear.

I’ve never been fond of sardines in a can (is this what you eat when you forget the 20-pound iron skillet?), I really don’t want to pack myself into a tent with several others who have not had the ability to fully bathe in days. I don’t want to smell me. I sure don’t want to smell you.

I’m fond of the little things in life – hot water and other plumbing related niceties, sturdy tables that don’t have others’ grease stains and gum wads on them, dry pillows; dry socks, toilet paper, ceramic plates, wine glasses. Of course, there are little things in life that I am NOT fond of, and these things can usually be found at the bottom of a sleeping bag, the bottom of a creek, or flying up my nose.

I might not roll with the Rockefellers or pal around with the Du Ponts, but, like them, I might be just a bit happier in a hotel with a view and a well-stocked mini-bar. To me, a vacation means good food (cooked by someone else) with a candle on a table (sans used gum) and a chandelier over my head, a hot bath, and perhaps a chance to play with a bidet. I want a uniformed man to bring a shower cap to my door if summoned. I want little shampoos, soaps, and gels. And when the vacation is over and its time to go home, I want to leave my rumpled bed items, towels and garbage behind for the staff to deal with.

I’ll sum this post up by saying: Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes. But I don’t.