Once again, I did some Republican debate watching. Wine involved of, course. I felt I had to do just a bit of tweaking to my original Rides of the Republican candidates post. What mode of transporation would your favorite candidate use:
Chris Christie – Tony Soprano’s last trade-in. Unpleasant air freshener. Trunkful of unmatched DNA.
Marco Rubio – Luxurious, somewhat understated. Seatbelt, rear view mirror and sideview mirrors well-used. Bluetooth enabled. Small posse in backseat Googling statistics to be distorted for future use. Pleasing air freshener. Oral hygiene kits from flying first class in glove compartment.
Dr. Ben Carson – Also luxurious and understated. Amazing shock absorbers but restrictive speedometer. Lacking GPS, yet pointed in the direction of home for a good brandy.
Walter Scott, uh, Tim Scott, um, Scott Walker (can never remember his name) – Non-union-built golf cart with steering disabled, heading for a water trap. Cart decorated with photographs of aborted fetuses.
Donald Trump – Atop a rocket launcher or loose cannon. Backs of poor people or Mexicans. Oh hell, he’ll ride anything to get to the top. Except Carly Fiorina.
Jeb Bush – Same as George W. only a newer model. Small Mexican flag hidden in glove compartent.
Mike Huckabee – Empty refrigerator box in back yard, decorated as a time machine. Four drawn-on control buttons inside box dated 29c, 1450s, 1633, last Sunday 9:00 am. (I wasn’t going to mention those from the ‘other’ debate, but Rick Santorum and Huckabee are having a little-girl hair pulling fight to see who’s turn it is in the box.)
Ted Cruz – giant lizard Dewback thing from Star Wars. Saddle bags full of rocks, a couple of ninja throwing stars, and a leather pouch containing a guide to correct middle eastern pronunciations, an asshole license and Canadian registration.
Rand Paul – Black horse in full jousting gear. Worried that horse is more interested in grazing.
John Kasich – Late model Oldsmobile. Those stick-figure family thingies on rear window. Glove compartment containing tattered maps, ill-fitting driving gloves, partially used bottle of Old Spice. Remnants of ‘coexist’ and rainbow flag bumper stickers.
Carly Fiorina. Something sleek and blue. Burns a great deal of fossil fuels. Has fins.
And I just have to add one other. Can’t help it. Even though he’s moved on to better things. He will be sorely missed.
Rick Perry – Clampet family truck. Every time it hits a pothole, shit falls off – pots, pans, granny, luggage, lamps, rakes, and now Rick Perry himself. Glove compartment filled with dark-rimmed glasses and upside down maps.
I have to admit I only watched 40 minutes. Next time, I will persevere.