Yes, there was enough wine in the house to take me to the 10:30 mark of the (main) debate last night. Bed was calling and I knew what the answers would be and I just couldn’t yell anymore. But once in bed, when I tried to imagine the country with one of them as a leader, I found it helped to imagine what kind of vehicle they would drive. Sometimes I don’t sleep well.
Chris Christie – Tony Soprano’s last trade-in. Trunkful of unmatched DNA.
Marco Rubio – Luxurious, somewhat understated. Seatbelt, rear view mirror and side view mirrors well-used. Bluetooth enabled. Small posse in backseat Googling statistics to be distorted for future use. Pleasing air freshener.
Dr. Ben Carson – Also luxurious and understated. Pointed in the direction of home for a good brandy.
Walter Scott, uh, Tim Scott, um, Scott Walker (can never remember his name) – golf cart with steering disabled, heading for a water trap. Cart decorated with photographs of aborted fetuses.
Donald Trump – Atop a rocket launcher or loose cannon. Backs of poor people or Mexicans. Oh hell, he’ll ride anything to get to the top.
Jeb Bush – Same as George W. only a newer model. Small Mexican flag hidden in glove compartment.
Mike Huckabee – Empty refrigerator box in back yard, decorated as a time machine. Four drawn-on control buttons inside box dated 29c, 1450s, 1633, last Sunday 9:00 am. (I wasn’t going to mention those from the ‘other’ debate, but Rick Santorum and Huckabee are having a little-girl hair pulling fight to see who’s turn it is in the box.)
Ted Cruz – giant lizard Dewback thing from Star Wars. Saddle bags full of rocks, a couple of ninja throwing stars and an asshole license and Canadian registration.
Rand Paul – Black horse in full jousting gear.
John Kasich – Late model Oldsmobile. Those stick-figure family thingies on rear window. Glove compartment containing tattered maps, ill-fitting driving gloves, partially used bottle of Old Spice. Remnants of ‘coexist’ and rainbow flag bumper stickers.
Rides of the Moderators should be included:
Megyn Kelly – something small, red, fitted. Car prepared to eat slower cars in front.
Chris Wallace – Suburu Outback.
Bret Baier – Oh. My. God. I can’t see past the reflection off of the grill!
And I just have to add one other. Can’t help it.
Rick Perry – Clampet family truck. Every time it hits a pothole, shit falls off – pots, pans, granny, luggage, lamps, women voters, rakes, etc. Glove compartment filled with dark-rimmed glasses and upside down maps.
Now I have to catch up on the debate of those that didn't make the top ten. After I open the next bottle of wine.